Sometimes I don’t care

For years I wondered why there were times in my life when I just didn’t care. Didn’t care what happened. Didn’t care what anyone else thought. And at times, didn’t even care if I got up and dressed.Over a period of 3 of the worst years of my life I saw a psychologist. Not often and not for very long each time, but it helped me understand a few things about myself and the people in my life. That is when I began to wonder, after those 3 years of trying to reach inside of myself and know what I was doing wrong. Why those things happened to me. To be honest, I think wondering saved my life. Mainly because it helped me think things through and not be so impetuous. I also discovered that much of the not caring related to negative emotions like worry, impatience and fear.  

There are still times (not often thankfully) I don’t care about much of anything or what happens, but now I understand more of why. It is cause I care too much. Because I care what that person thinks of me. Or because I want something so badly and I have no idea how to make it happen. Or because someone has told me something I really didn’t want to hear. There are so many reasons why I get to that not caring place it would take me all day to write about them.

But God and I have a deal now. I don’t worry so much and he will guide me to where I need to be. Prayer has become very important in my life. I realize that although my prayers aren’t always answered, I have the need and desire to communicate with Him.

Take it back

I couldn't begin to know the number of times that I wish I could have taken something back. Something I had said that hurt someone. Something I had done that wasn't the right thing to do. Later I would think, why did I do that, or why did I say that? I would guess there are many people in the boat with me on that one.

After God came into my life, I learned that I was supposed to let go of all the things that I do, say or think, that are not the Christian way. That is what forgiveness is all about. You give it to him and you forget about it. But I have a tendency to take it back. I am an Indian-giver with God. Not sure how He feels about this but it is very upsetting to me.

All my life I have not only put my foot in my mouth on most every occasion I have been around others, but I also am an expert at opening my mouth to change feet. The ones who know me really well, don't even notice. But I do. It is something I think about afterwards. What did I say and why did I say that? Oh dear, I have done it again. I can't remember a time when I wasn't that way. Maybe that is why I don't particularly care for *functions*. You know those things you go to where there are people all around you?  Not my cup of tea. Give me a small group any day and I am very sociable. Even laid back. Although I know before the event is over I will open mouth and say something I will regret. Then later give it over to God and take it back.

What can I say, old habits die hard.

Clumsy

I wonder sometimes how any one person can be so clumsy. Is it inbred? Is it inherited? I guess it really doesn't matter where it comes from, it is just there.As long as I can remember, I have been the oaf. I truly have fallen over my own feet. I think that takes real talent. My feet are always 2 steps ahead of my mind. I walk into things, fall down steps…. Well, I just fall down, as my granddaughter used to say, and go *boom*. (But grandmothers make a bigger boom than little ones).

I drop, spill, and break anything. I can even shatter things which are unbreakable. How is that possible? And of course, I never saved the tag that came with the unbreakable item to return it.

My messes are legendary. I have spilled whole buckets of water while mopping floors. That really is not the easiest way to clean a floor. My gracefulness is famous in my family. If someone has something new, they let me look at it, not touch it, mind you. Just look.

I happen to be at just the right height that my shirt sleeves get caught on more door knobs than I can shake a stick at. Oven handles are my enemy when I have something hot in my potholdered hands. My curio cabinet that has this very pretty knob that opens the glass door. Thankfully, neither the knob or the glass has expired yet.

I pick up things by the wrong end, and whatever is inside goes every which way. I can't begin to name all the things that have ended up in the trash because of my clumsiness. Food dumped onto the floor is probably my worst casualty. I always seem to pick up the bag of cookies, potato cihps  (or any other kind of bag) at the wrong end.

Someone told me this was because I am creative and sometimes a bit spacey. My mind is always thinking of something. After I thought of that awhile, I guess they are right. What's for suppper? Look at that beautiful sunset. How in the world could that happen? It goes on and on and on.

Prepare to Meet God

I saw one of those signs today and realized how many times my opinon and feelings have changed about it.
When I was a youngster traveling with my family, I wasn't sure what it meant. Was God just up ahead and we were going to meet him? I hadn't attended any church at that young age but I did know there was a God. I would ask my parents what that sign meant and never got an adequate answer to my question. At least not one I understoodAs an adolescent I began to attend church and during times of traveling during that period in my life, that sign made me rather scared. Was I going to heaven soon? Is that how I was going to meet God?

As I reached adulthood and fell away from not only the church but God as well, I scoffed at those signs. To believe in such a thing was preposterous and whoever was planting those signs alongside the highways and roads were obviously ignorant.

Many years later as I have become reacquainted with God and found a lovely church that has wonderful and kind people who attend, I think so differently. So today as I passed one of those signs on Rt. 14, I smiled. And of course that made me think of the journey I have taken to be at this point in my life. Through almost unbelievable situations and problems I have come to trust God so much that now I know not only what that sign means but that I have the faith to smile when I see it.

Wonderings

The other day I was thinking about addictions. How everybody has one kind or another, and one of my addictions is thinking. I think way too much. Sometimes instead of calling it thinking I call it wondering, because I am always wondering about this or that.I wonder if there are allot of people who are wonderers like I am. I sure would like to meet a few. I say a few, cause if too many of us wonderers got together at the same time, we might have a brain burn out thinking over each other. Can you imagine ideas and wonderings flying about so freely.

I don't wonder about the universe, that I leave up to God. He has his own plans. He has most of me, he has my soul which is really the most important part for him, isn't it? He might not be real happy with me cause I wonder and think so much but I try and tell him he must have put it there in my brain. The blueprint is there and I am sure if they did a test they would see this mysterious spot they could not identify with any certainty.

I wonder which appliance or mechanical thing will give out today or tomorrow? Which one will sit there and do nothing when I push the button or turn the key to start it? When you have had things for a long time you just know that it is eventually going to go kaput at any time. So I am very thankful and grateful when everything works when I go to use it.

Have you ever wondered why someone actually named their child such a strange name. Or, wondered why some towns have such strange names? I am fascinated by names. What happened to Tom, John, and Mary?

Do you wonder why people drive like they have no sense about it? I was taught to use turn signals when I am going to turn, but I wonder why others weren't taught the same? And I thought it was a law that when you use your windshield wipers you are suppose to have your lights on.

I am not of a wisher. Wishing I had this or that. I leave those things up to those who are daydreamers. At my age *things* are not so important anymore. I admire some daydreamers because they are the ones who can come up with really neat ideas that make our lives easier. Of course there are some who dream up things that make it much more difficult. Those daydreamers I try to ignore.

So I think from now on I will call myself the Lady who Wonders.