The here and now

After writing about abuse and molestation I feel the need to mention that although I still have some scars from it all, I truly feel blessed in the here and now.

Being grateful and blessed to have had the experiences I have had. Of course some were not nice or pretty, but then again, doesn’t everyone have ugly and awful things they have experienced. My take on it all is we go through what we are meant to go through.

My belief is that God is telling us something and we sometimes need to figure out what it is. All our lives were laid out by God before we were ever born. What purpose do bad things or good things give us? Hopefully it is insight, love of others, and knowing we are here on this earth to help and give to those in need.

I am in no way near where I would like to be, but I keep trying. I still can’t seem to get close to some people. I grew really independent over the years and part of that independence is distancing myself from people I don’t care for. I hate nobody. That is not in my nature anymore, but I try and not subject myself to those who drive me crazy. My family is crazy enough that I really don’t need outside craziness too.

A Healing purpose The end.

I probably could write forever on how the abuse has ruled my life. From childhood, into high school, through three marriages, two children, grandchildren and just plain living my life. But I never truly wanted this to be about me. I want it to be about abuse and what it does to a person and how it never ever really goes away.

But in some ways it has to be about me. To explain to those who have no idea. And to those who have suffered because of it, to tell you, you are not alone. Most of us learn to deal with it in whatever way we can. For me it has been a variety of ways over the years. When I was younger it was Alcohol. Drugs. Promiscuity. And oh yea, Anger. I have embarrassed not only myself but others when I have exploded. I have a tendency to isolate, when I am feeling overwhelmed at any time for any reason. At one time I was worried I was agoraphobic because I didn’t want to leave the house. One day I want to chatter away, another I just want to be left alone. Whether those emotions and feelings are normal behaviors or because of abuse I really have no idea. I know I have made many many mistakes because of the abuse. I have hurt others because of it. Things I can never take back.

Some people hide their abuse forever. Others write books and give speeches.

And most important of all, I am no judge of how anyone handles their pain. I have included some statistics about abuse and will end this last post with more.

I have to say, what saved me was faith. No person could help me get to the place I am now. It had to be God. My wish is that anyone who has been abused, finds someone to talk to, when they are ready. Professional or otherwise. Church is a good place to start. Try and find a welcoming church with kind and loving people. Some people need baby-steps, others need a big huge leap. Whatever will work for you. Please do it.

More statistics:

Changes in behavior at school or at home. (withdrawal, inattentiveness, or other unusual behavior)
Sleep disturbances (insomnia, bed wetting, nightmares)
Unexplained and sudden fears
Loss of appetite
Excessive anger or reckless behavior
A new reluctance to spend time with certain people
A need for more reassurance than usual
Overwhelming knowledge of sexual behavior
Isolation from friends, limited participation in social activities
Depression
Drug or alcohol use
Chronic running away
Increase in physical complaints (miscellaneous illnesses)
Inappropriate attention-getting behavior
Suicide attempts
Self inflicted physical abuse (self-mutilation)
Poor self-esteem
Problems in school (missing class, grades)
Prostitution
1 in 4 girls is sexually abused before the age of 18.
1 in 6 boys is sexually abused before the age of 18.
1 in 5 children are solicited sexually while on the Internet.
Nearly 70% of all reported sexual assaults (including assaults on adults) occur to children ages 17 and under.
Most children don’t tell even if they have been asked
Sexually abused children who keep it a secret or who “tell” and are not believed are at greater risk than the general population for psychological, emotional, social, and physical problems often lasting into adulthood.

A Healing Purpose (part 2)

Anyone who has been abused, whether physically, emotionally, or sexually probably knows, they are not the person they would have been without the abuse. I am sure people have heard that for years, but how could they possibly understand it, if they had not walked in a victims (a word I hate by the way) shoes. If you can’t trust those closest to you, and those who are supposed to love you, how would you be able to trust anyone.

Since I have had the unpleasantness of experiencing all three of those abusive situations it has had a drastic effect on my life in so many ways.

*Consequences of child sexual abuse begin affecting children and families immediately. They also affect society in innumerable and negative ways. These effects can continue throughout the life of the survivor so the impact on society for just one survivor continues over multiple decades. Try to imagine the impact of 39 million survivors.*

I learned to stuff the anger as deep as it would go. I learned to hide the fear and to doubt my own being. I had guilt, although I never had a reason in this world to have guilt over any abusive situation. Emotions and feelings get so mixed up in your mind that sometimes you just are not sure what you are feeling. All the while, life went on in what seemed like a normal way. At least it did for outsiders, and everyone I knew was an outsider to my inner feelings. Holding on to all those emotions over time creates a mixed up, confused person.

*Post-traumatic stress disorder*

I did risky things, which were abnormal for the shy, kind person I was. I think at one time, I would have done anything as a teenager if someone had egged me on.

*Excessive anger or reckless behavior*

Finally at the age of 14 I told my parents (but nobody else until I was much older) what was happening to me and what had happened for many years. It had begun to escalate and the fear became unbearable. It was stopped at that juncture. But even though it was stopped, another sad thing happened. I lost my parents. Not to death, not to anything violent. Only to shame and regret. After all those years of hurting, this pain was worse. I felt ignored and vilified. Although by their mouth, they never said it was my fault, but by their actions it felt like it.

*Less emotional support from friends and family*

The shame I felt was overwhelming. When you are 14 you are so vulnerable. I had some good friends, thankfully, although they never knew the circumstance in my house, they went to great lengths to make me happy and to help me fit in, although I never felt like I did.

Trust was gone from my life forever. I still sometimes deal with that issue. I told a Minster once, that I don’t trust anyone 100%, not even God. He said, “What can we do about that” and I laughed and said *we* can do nothing.

*Distrust of others*

For me the strangest thing about trust was I wanted to trust so badly I would let people into my life that never were capable of being trusted. The older I got, the easier it became to walk away. I don’t make friends easily.

The fact is, the effects of molestation, never go away.

*from my prayer book*

“Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil.  For if they fall, one will lift up the other.”                                                                                                             ~Ecclesiastes 4:9-19

“The wires are holding hands around the holes:

To avoid breaking the ring, they hold tight the

neighbouring wrist,

And it’s thus that with holes they make a fence.

Lord, there are lots of holes in my life.

There are some in the lives of my neighbours.

But if you wish we shall hold hands

We shall hold very tight

And together we shall make a roll of fence to adorn

Paradise.”

~Michel Quoist, “The Wire Fence”

“God’s gift of community is a beautiful and purposeful design of interdependence – of helping and being helped.  Since it is a gift; however, community will never happen unless we first reach out to receive it.”

~Peace~

Vicki

*untitled*

I’m reading a book called, Jesus Mean and Wild.

A Healing Purpose

The older I get the more I seem to reassess my life. I wonder if everybody does that as they age. The wish I had dones and the wish I hadn’t dones.

As anyone knows if they have read any of my writings I was abused and molested when I was young. For many years afterward it was only known in my heart. And of course by the abusers.

It was mentioned to me awhile back that I should write a book, which will never happen by the way, but when I said that, it was mentioned later that maybe I could help people who had been abused or molested if I talked about it. I had to think on it awhile, especially since I already seem to have a lot on my plate at this time, but the more I thought about it, I thought why not? If I could help one person who is hurting, then I should do it, if at all possible.

An estimated 39 million survivors of childhood sexual abuse exist in America today.

I am trying to remember the exact time I actually told somebody about my past abuse. It was in my late 30’s or early 40’s, I believe. That hurt was carried around for many years, just holding on to it. Once in a while it would rear it’s ugly head, but for the most part, the demons were under control.

I plan to write about the emotions and feelings involved, not get graphic with details that do not need to be mentioned. Over the years I have read a lot on the subject and educated myself as time has progressed. I also plan on writing in stages, not all at once. That is the best for me and surely the best for Wonderings.

I hope you will read and take in the statistics I post. They are almost hard to believe. Maybe cause back when I was young, it was not talked about. It was a dirty secret. For both the victims and perpetrators. Nowadays people like myself are speaking up about abuse that occurred years and years ago.

Over 30% of victims never disclose the experience to ANYONE.

I forgave my perpetrators after I began to believe the things I heard in Church. That God forgives and if he can forgive surely we can do the same. So over a period of time the hardness in my heart began to give way to the softness of my nature. I put as much of all those thoughts as far behind me as I could. Then a couple of years ago, those feelings and emotions began to creep into my heart again. That is the reason I decided to acquiesce and write about it all. The Lord must be putting this on my heart for a reason and maybe it was to help another.

Hopefully the next chapter will be sooner than later.

*Connecting the Dots* (while swimming in grace)

When I was a child and at church with my parents during the “Christmas Season,” never, did I connect the dots from the cradle to the Cross.  I don’t remember when I finally did.  I’m thinking that most of us don’t.  I’m thinking that most of us don’t remember when we connected the dots from the cradle to the Cross.  But, at some point – we did.

Think of this.  Children in a candlelit church watching the “Christmas Story” unfold before their eyes as magic.  And the baby!  That sweet baby surrounded by little lambs and adoring shepherds.  ” And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.  For unto you is born this day in the City of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.”  Would anyone already in the know whisper to a child that when the Baby Jesus grows up He’s gonna’ be beaten up and put in jail?  That He’s gonna’ die a horrible death?  Who would tell a child who is filled with wonder at the scene before her…well, the “Easter Story?”  Who could do it?  Not I.  Not you.

But, just four months later, we do.  I do.  Maybe you, too?  We tell her/them all of the events of Easter.  But we don’t say to them, “Hey, you remember at Christmas when you saw that baby named, Jesus?  You remember.  The trip on the donkey?  No room in the inn?  The baby born in a manger?  The shepherds, the angels, the star?  Well this Jesus on the Cross is the same Jesus; the Baby Jesus.  Don’t you remember?  Can you connect the dots from the cradle to the Cross?”  So, how many of God’s precious ones would wind up on the floor in hysterics if we reminded them of Christmas as we told them about Easter?  On the floor with me.  Who can  save us from  the  horror  of such  knowledge? 

Well, that would be the dot-maker,  Jehovah God.  Who is also the event-maker.  He knows all the dots, how to connect them, and why they need to be connected.  He knows all of the events, how to connect the dots that lead to the important events, and why each event is important. Jehovah also has other names; too many for me to list here. That is if I knew all of His names, which, of course, I don’t.  One,  though,  that  I have known, intimately (and still do) throughout many years of being shown hard and horrid things  is, “Love.”  Zillions of people who are already in the know, also have an intimate connection to the dot-maker. And they are, as I am, intimately acquainted with Love’s best way to save the children, all of us, from the “horror of such knowledge.”  The way is through grace.  Jehovah God has plunged His dear ones into His gift of  grace.  We swim in grace as babies in utero swim in amniotic fluid.  Hmm. What a thought.”

So.  Do you remember when you connected the dots from the cradle to the Cross?  What a presumptuous question.   Maybe  you  haven’t.  Maybe you don’t know about the abundant life.  It is incomparable.  “Not as the world giveth, give I unto you.”  Ask someone.  Ask me.  I must warn you, though, I’m pretty maniacal.  A zealot?  Okay. 

Okay, for those of you/us who live the abundant life and swim in grace…I think that although we  have connected the dots from the cradle to the Cross, we will always be connecting.  We will, in obedience and without hesitation, follow Jehovah (the dot-maker and the event-maker) as He leads us and shows us how to connect the dots from the Cross to events whose knowledge may also bring horror.  Many times, though, we are led to events whose knowledge brings beauty that simply dazzles our understanding.  And bles-sed be the name of the Lord!  

Peace

~Vicki~