Where Are You Going?

Many years ago, 19 to be exact, I was helping to raise my oldest granddaughter. She was and still is one of the brightest spots in my life. At a very young age she had a health problem and it wasn’t always easy to keep her comfortable. So I would sing. And then I would sing some more.

At the urging of a few people I started writing a story here and a story there of my many varied life experiences. Thoughts are always in my head. Some, that ease their way in and tap my memory. Others that give me a jolt and almost take my breathe away as the memory isn’t one I care to relive.

But the memories of my oldest sweetheart are truly lovely and great ones and thinking of that time made me think of the songs I use to sing to her. The one that was forthcoming first was *Turn Around*, or as I use to call it, *Where are you going*. There were some days when I would sing till I was almost hoarse. Then I would hum. Put her little cheek next to mine and hum. That would soothe her also.

The verse that sticks in my head is the first one, and so relevant in most everybody’s home eventually.

*Where are you going, my little one, little one,
Where are you going, my baby, my own?
Turn around and you’re two,
turn around and you’re four,
Turn around, you’re a young girl going out of my door.
Turn around, turn around,
Turn around, you’re a young girl going out of my door. *

She is now nineteen and healthy as can be, so I guess she is no longer a young girl, but she always will be to me.

Who’s Responsible

For several months I have been thinking and wondering about the responsibilities of parents to their children. Where does it start and where does it end?

Can you blame parents for everything their children do? If your 5th grader cheats on a test in school, are you responsible? If your college bound child is using drugs, are you responsible? What if your teenage son starts a fight in school, are you responsible? What if you find out your 9th grade daughter is promiscuous, are you responsible? How far does the responsibility factor go for a parent?

Times are so much different now than when I was growing up. Back then silence was a common commodity. If there were cracks in the family dynamic, it was kept silent. If you had a relative who committed a heinous act it wasn’t necessarily broadcasted to the whole world as it is today. If it did become known there was not nearly as much finger pointing. If an offspring or any relative did something horrible, that person got the blame because they were responsible.

It is a fact that no parent is perfect. We all have made and will continue to make mistakes because we are human, but when does our culpability begin and where does it end?

There are always stories about horrible things that have been done by SOMEONES child. I remember years ago a dear friend of mine who had a son who became a drug dealer. He was eventually sent to prison and I just recently found out he has had several trips down that road.

As a parent I know I have felt responsible when my children did something they shouldn’t have done. I must not have set a very good example for them. Or somehow I missed doing or saying the right things.

How long does the responsibility last? Do you or do you think you would, feel responsible for what your children do even if they were adults?

The here and now

After writing about abuse and molestation I feel the need to mention that although I still have some scars from it all, I truly feel blessed in the here and now.

Being grateful and blessed to have had the experiences I have had. Of course some were not nice or pretty, but then again, doesn’t everyone have ugly and awful things they have experienced. My take on it all is we go through what we are meant to go through.

My belief is that God is telling us something and we sometimes need to figure out what it is. All our lives were laid out by God before we were ever born. What purpose do bad things or good things give us? Hopefully it is insight, love of others, and knowing we are here on this earth to help and give to those in need.

I am in no way near where I would like to be, but I keep trying. I still can’t seem to get close to some people. I grew really independent over the years and part of that independence is distancing myself from people I don’t care for. I hate nobody. That is not in my nature anymore, but I try and not subject myself to those who drive me crazy. My family is crazy enough that I really don’t need outside craziness too.

A Healing purpose The end.

I probably could write forever on how the abuse has ruled my life. From childhood, into high school, through three marriages, two children, grandchildren and just plain living my life. But I never truly wanted this to be about me. I want it to be about abuse and what it does to a person and how it never ever really goes away.

But in some ways it has to be about me. To explain to those who have no idea. And to those who have suffered because of it, to tell you, you are not alone. Most of us learn to deal with it in whatever way we can. For me it has been a variety of ways over the years. When I was younger it was Alcohol. Drugs. Promiscuity. And oh yea, Anger. I have embarrassed not only myself but others when I have exploded. I have a tendency to isolate, when I am feeling overwhelmed at any time for any reason. At one time I was worried I was agoraphobic because I didn’t want to leave the house. One day I want to chatter away, another I just want to be left alone. Whether those emotions and feelings are normal behaviors or because of abuse I really have no idea. I know I have made many many mistakes because of the abuse. I have hurt others because of it. Things I can never take back.

Some people hide their abuse forever. Others write books and give speeches.

And most important of all, I am no judge of how anyone handles their pain. I have included some statistics about abuse and will end this last post with more.

I have to say, what saved me was faith. No person could help me get to the place I am now. It had to be God. My wish is that anyone who has been abused, finds someone to talk to, when they are ready. Professional or otherwise. Church is a good place to start. Try and find a welcoming church with kind and loving people. Some people need baby-steps, others need a big huge leap. Whatever will work for you. Please do it.

More statistics:

Changes in behavior at school or at home. (withdrawal, inattentiveness, or other unusual behavior)
Sleep disturbances (insomnia, bed wetting, nightmares)
Unexplained and sudden fears
Loss of appetite
Excessive anger or reckless behavior
A new reluctance to spend time with certain people
A need for more reassurance than usual
Overwhelming knowledge of sexual behavior
Isolation from friends, limited participation in social activities
Depression
Drug or alcohol use
Chronic running away
Increase in physical complaints (miscellaneous illnesses)
Inappropriate attention-getting behavior
Suicide attempts
Self inflicted physical abuse (self-mutilation)
Poor self-esteem
Problems in school (missing class, grades)
Prostitution
1 in 4 girls is sexually abused before the age of 18.
1 in 6 boys is sexually abused before the age of 18.
1 in 5 children are solicited sexually while on the Internet.
Nearly 70% of all reported sexual assaults (including assaults on adults) occur to children ages 17 and under.
Most children don’t tell even if they have been asked
Sexually abused children who keep it a secret or who “tell” and are not believed are at greater risk than the general population for psychological, emotional, social, and physical problems often lasting into adulthood.

A Healing Purpose (part 2)

Anyone who has been abused, whether physically, emotionally, or sexually probably knows, they are not the person they would have been without the abuse. I am sure people have heard that for years, but how could they possibly understand it, if they had not walked in a victims (a word I hate by the way) shoes. If you can’t trust those closest to you, and those who are supposed to love you, how would you be able to trust anyone.

Since I have had the unpleasantness of experiencing all three of those abusive situations it has had a drastic effect on my life in so many ways.

*Consequences of child sexual abuse begin affecting children and families immediately. They also affect society in innumerable and negative ways. These effects can continue throughout the life of the survivor so the impact on society for just one survivor continues over multiple decades. Try to imagine the impact of 39 million survivors.*

I learned to stuff the anger as deep as it would go. I learned to hide the fear and to doubt my own being. I had guilt, although I never had a reason in this world to have guilt over any abusive situation. Emotions and feelings get so mixed up in your mind that sometimes you just are not sure what you are feeling. All the while, life went on in what seemed like a normal way. At least it did for outsiders, and everyone I knew was an outsider to my inner feelings. Holding on to all those emotions over time creates a mixed up, confused person.

*Post-traumatic stress disorder*

I did risky things, which were abnormal for the shy, kind person I was. I think at one time, I would have done anything as a teenager if someone had egged me on.

*Excessive anger or reckless behavior*

Finally at the age of 14 I told my parents (but nobody else until I was much older) what was happening to me and what had happened for many years. It had begun to escalate and the fear became unbearable. It was stopped at that juncture. But even though it was stopped, another sad thing happened. I lost my parents. Not to death, not to anything violent. Only to shame and regret. After all those years of hurting, this pain was worse. I felt ignored and vilified. Although by their mouth, they never said it was my fault, but by their actions it felt like it.

*Less emotional support from friends and family*

The shame I felt was overwhelming. When you are 14 you are so vulnerable. I had some good friends, thankfully, although they never knew the circumstance in my house, they went to great lengths to make me happy and to help me fit in, although I never felt like I did.

Trust was gone from my life forever. I still sometimes deal with that issue. I told a Minster once, that I don’t trust anyone 100%, not even God. He said, “What can we do about that” and I laughed and said *we* can do nothing.

*Distrust of others*

For me the strangest thing about trust was I wanted to trust so badly I would let people into my life that never were capable of being trusted. The older I got, the easier it became to walk away. I don’t make friends easily.

The fact is, the effects of molestation, never go away.

A Healing Purpose

The older I get the more I seem to reassess my life. I wonder if everybody does that as they age. The wish I had dones and the wish I hadn’t dones.

As anyone knows if they have read any of my writings I was abused and molested when I was young. For many years afterward it was only known in my heart. And of course by the abusers.

It was mentioned to me awhile back that I should write a book, which will never happen by the way, but when I said that, it was mentioned later that maybe I could help people who had been abused or molested if I talked about it. I had to think on it awhile, especially since I already seem to have a lot on my plate at this time, but the more I thought about it, I thought why not? If I could help one person who is hurting, then I should do it, if at all possible.

An estimated 39 million survivors of childhood sexual abuse exist in America today.

I am trying to remember the exact time I actually told somebody about my past abuse. It was in my late 30’s or early 40’s, I believe. That hurt was carried around for many years, just holding on to it. Once in a while it would rear it’s ugly head, but for the most part, the demons were under control.

I plan to write about the emotions and feelings involved, not get graphic with details that do not need to be mentioned. Over the years I have read a lot on the subject and educated myself as time has progressed. I also plan on writing in stages, not all at once. That is the best for me and surely the best for Wonderings.

I hope you will read and take in the statistics I post. They are almost hard to believe. Maybe cause back when I was young, it was not talked about. It was a dirty secret. For both the victims and perpetrators. Nowadays people like myself are speaking up about abuse that occurred years and years ago.

Over 30% of victims never disclose the experience to ANYONE.

I forgave my perpetrators after I began to believe the things I heard in Church. That God forgives and if he can forgive surely we can do the same. So over a period of time the hardness in my heart began to give way to the softness of my nature. I put as much of all those thoughts as far behind me as I could. Then a couple of years ago, those feelings and emotions began to creep into my heart again. That is the reason I decided to acquiesce and write about it all. The Lord must be putting this on my heart for a reason and maybe it was to help another.

Hopefully the next chapter will be sooner than later.

The Truck That Wouldn’t Stay Put

We had an experience yesterday. When you have 7 adults, 2 teens and 2 grade scholars living on the same property you can imagine there are almost always constant occurrences. Both good and bad.

Well, yesterday the farm truck that our 14 year old Grandson had parked decided to disengage and cruise down the hill till it came to rest on a power pole. Thereby breaking said power pole, although we never lost our electricity.

Eventually it was noticed and a repairman called. We were blessed it was a nice warm evening. One repairman came and had plenty of time to chat, waiting on the other repairman to get here. He said he came right away because he was told a truck hit a power pole and he thought it might be a traffic hazard if it was a really bad accident. He had passed our place looking for fire engines because that is normally what he sees when there is such an emergency. Soon he found us and realized nobody was hurt and no power was out. So he chatted.

He told the men it would probably be a 3 hour job and would cost around $1500. Of course I had an immediate fit, although my fits never do any good, which I should know by now and was thinking, well there goes Christmas. The men just kept telling me, don’t worry about it, nothing you can do about it.

And that was true. We were without electricity for a few hours.  If anyone had seen me outside with a flashlight so our poor 15 year old dog could do his business they would chuckled.

Changing

The first time I went to a divorce lawyer and voiced my uncertainty that I wanted a divorce the lawyer said something that has stuck with me since then. The lawyer said that people don’t normally change. That the only thing that might make them change was a happening or event in their life that made them realize a change was necessary.

I went to the lawyer because my husband was cheating on me. Again. He had begun cheating on me only a few months after we were married.

At the five year point in our marriage it had happened again. I could not stay married to him and raise our daughter in that atmosphere. She was three years old and already knew things were not right.

The lawyer gave an example of what he meant by circumstances changing a person. He said if a mother didn’t watch her children while they were playing outside and one of them was hit by a car and seriously injured maybe she would be more watchful from that time on. It made sense to me.

After my husband begged me to return and try again, I did so. But eventually we did split up. But not until after we had purchased a home and had another child. He was cheating, but this time had fallen in love with the woman.

So I have always remembered what that lawyer told me. Change is possible, but usually not till a person had undergone a transformation from the old to the new.

Pepper

A few months ago we added another varmint into our menagerie. My daughter-in-law called almost begging me to say yes to a puppy she wanted to bring home. Usually I would have said no. With 4 adults, 1 child and another on the way, plus 3 cats and 2 dogs I figured that was enough loving to last a lifetime. But I knew she really wanted this puppy and I am such a pushover that I said yes.

So here it is 6 months later and she is growing into a reasonable but still frisky dog. One minute she is a complete joy and the next a real pain in the you know where. We named her Pepper although at this point I would prefer her name be Joy.

I have grown to love that little thing. And she has grown to depend on me. Not sure I needed any more depending on, with so little time and barely enough energy to actually get much work done. My life over the years surely has changed and even though I have many bad memories, the memories made in the last 18 years or so have made me whole again. You cannot be surrounded by the love in our family and not feel it deeply. People ask me, how can you do all you do?  I wouldn’t want to trade my life for anything. I have been blessed by 2 grown children who are married to 2 great mates and combined have given me 4 wonderful grandchildren. Did I mention another on the way? I am so excited about that.

Of course there are problems. Of course there is fussing. Of course there are always messes. But I would not change one thing. How could anyone ask for more? Well, maybe a bit more money might be nice. But I figure God has given me all I truly need.

The Christmas Tree

During the time I was a single Mom and times were pretty tough I decided the kids deserved a *real* Christmas tree. Even if we did without something else. So off we went with a friend to one of the places that was selling real trees, although it was still a week or so till Christmas. We also had a specific kind in mind. We want a small tree because it was going to have to sit on a table, and we found one that suited us perfectly.

When we got home I set it outside our side door which we very seldom used. There were houses all around us, one a huge old apartment building all inhabited by people I did’nt know. The day I went outside to get the tree, a week or so later, the kids were gone with their father. It was his weekend. I planned to have the tree up and ready to decorate when they got home. But it was gone. I stood there awhile, looking around, hoping against hope I had put it behind the house instead of at the side door. It was nowhere to be found. I couldn’t believe it. Was it a prank? Why would someone steal a small Christmas tree?

The kids came home, never knowing at that time that the tree was gone. I told one friend about what had happened and how mad I was and how sad I was that the kids wouldn’t have a tree. She is the only one I told, my pride being what it was back then, I didn’t want just anyone knowing how hard it was for me financially, although almost everyone knew since I had gotten rid of both my car and telephone cause I couldn’t afford them. But still, I would never have accepted a handout.

Then a few days before Christmas I heard this knock at my door. When I opened the door, there stood the same friend that had taken us to get the tree. I didn’t know what to say. *Come in and see we lost the tree you helped us get. * She stood there a few seconds grinning from ear to ear, then finally stepped to one side and showed me another Christmas tree. She had heard what happened and knew how unhappy we would all be. I almost cried, the children did cry. She stayed and helped us decorate it with the few ornaments we had and the ones the kids had made. I look back now and remember what a wonderful night that was.

I only tell this story cause of my friend. She was not what anyone would call a Christian. She drank. And I mean she could drink anybody under the table, and often did. She also cussed as much as she drank and was a real party girl. But she was one of the best friends I ever had. A few years later when I was married again and she had cleaned up her act and was in her late 30’s she decided she wanted to be a nurse. She became a nurse. A great one working with children who had behavior problems. She never had any children of her own.

That day is etched in my brain. A day that has helped me remember her always, as the one who gave us a wonderful gift of love when it was especially needed.