Long time no see

As I have said many times. My life is crazy. One minute things are going well and the next it’s a horror show. At least it seems that way to me.

Being a constant worrier puts me in the position of worrying about everyone and everything. I know. I know. It doesn’t have to be that way. My family is very quick to tell me that. It just doesn’t work  for me.

There are days when it seems like I am praying with every breathe. Other days I just plain forget to pray because my mind is so full of questions with no answers. That should be when I am praying the most. I guess I have to claim being human, don’t I?

I also forgot the right name and password to even get here. Somewhere I have it written down. I use to have a document with such things, but my computer crashed and all went with it. Just got into the grove last night when my friend Clem came and set me up again.

Anyway. No promises. But I will try harder to keep up.

Father May I

Father may I sit in the grass with you, and watch the sun go down
May I ask you, when will my journey end
May I see you in my dreams every night
May I know in my soul that you are always with me

And Father may I tell you my secrets when they overwhelm me
May I always be kind, even when I don’t want to be
May I choose to do the right thing at the right time
May I feel you beside me as I see the stars glisten

And Father may my children know that they are loved by you and me
May they also know that I did the best I knew how
May I never stumble in my faith in who you are and what you do
May I love even those who are not loveable

And Father, will you save me a place in your heaven, so that I may finally understand the true meaning of your love.

I Will Always Love You

Whether it be star-crossed lovers, family or friends, I wonder how often that statement has been said. And eventually dismissed as if it meant nothing.

I know over my lifetime I have left so many friends behind because of moves, that there is barely enough room in my head to remember them all. At one point, for many different reasons, I moved 10 times in 10 years. Just about the time I would be getting use to the neighborhood and neighbors the packing would begin.

The first few times I tried to stay in touch via mail or telephone, but eventually, slowly but surely they were lost from me. This past year I contacted or was contacted by a few of those friends that hadn’t heard from me in years, and was surprised to notice that talking to some was like I hadn’t ever been gone and talking to others was like talking to a stranger.

Of course I must say there were times I was glad to get out of Dodge, so to speak and never missed for a moment, those I left behind. It had become a pattern and one in which I was severely tethered to.

After my days of drinking came to an end, those I drank with were no longer interested in having me by their side. I was no longer the funny, silly, sometimes temper laden person they were use to. And to me, they were no longer any of those things either. They were mostly boring or so flamboyant it was almost scary to be with them as a sober person.

There are a few friends I have stayed in touch with and who I love dearly and I have made other friends that I treasure very much. Some are friends from the Internet. Although unlike most Internet friends, I have traveled to see them in person. Which has helped take away my zero trust factor as well.

I think about families who separate one from another. Parents who disown their children. Children who disown their parents. Siblings who no longer even talk to each other. As per usual, I have wondered about it all.

Marriages are broken and anger replaces the love that once was.

My conclusion? God is the only one you can really count on to always love you.

The here and now

After writing about abuse and molestation I feel the need to mention that although I still have some scars from it all, I truly feel blessed in the here and now.

Being grateful and blessed to have had the experiences I have had. Of course some were not nice or pretty, but then again, doesn’t everyone have ugly and awful things they have experienced. My take on it all is we go through what we are meant to go through.

My belief is that God is telling us something and we sometimes need to figure out what it is. All our lives were laid out by God before we were ever born. What purpose do bad things or good things give us? Hopefully it is insight, love of others, and knowing we are here on this earth to help and give to those in need.

I am in no way near where I would like to be, but I keep trying. I still can’t seem to get close to some people. I grew really independent over the years and part of that independence is distancing myself from people I don’t care for. I hate nobody. That is not in my nature anymore, but I try and not subject myself to those who drive me crazy. My family is crazy enough that I really don’t need outside craziness too.

A Healing purpose The end.

I probably could write forever on how the abuse has ruled my life. From childhood, into high school, through three marriages, two children, grandchildren and just plain living my life. But I never truly wanted this to be about me. I want it to be about abuse and what it does to a person and how it never ever really goes away.

But in some ways it has to be about me. To explain to those who have no idea. And to those who have suffered because of it, to tell you, you are not alone. Most of us learn to deal with it in whatever way we can. For me it has been a variety of ways over the years. When I was younger it was Alcohol. Drugs. Promiscuity. And oh yea, Anger. I have embarrassed not only myself but others when I have exploded. I have a tendency to isolate, when I am feeling overwhelmed at any time for any reason. At one time I was worried I was agoraphobic because I didn’t want to leave the house. One day I want to chatter away, another I just want to be left alone. Whether those emotions and feelings are normal behaviors or because of abuse I really have no idea. I know I have made many many mistakes because of the abuse. I have hurt others because of it. Things I can never take back.

Some people hide their abuse forever. Others write books and give speeches.

And most important of all, I am no judge of how anyone handles their pain. I have included some statistics about abuse and will end this last post with more.

I have to say, what saved me was faith. No person could help me get to the place I am now. It had to be God. My wish is that anyone who has been abused, finds someone to talk to, when they are ready. Professional or otherwise. Church is a good place to start. Try and find a welcoming church with kind and loving people. Some people need baby-steps, others need a big huge leap. Whatever will work for you. Please do it.

More statistics:

Changes in behavior at school or at home. (withdrawal, inattentiveness, or other unusual behavior)
Sleep disturbances (insomnia, bed wetting, nightmares)
Unexplained and sudden fears
Loss of appetite
Excessive anger or reckless behavior
A new reluctance to spend time with certain people
A need for more reassurance than usual
Overwhelming knowledge of sexual behavior
Isolation from friends, limited participation in social activities
Depression
Drug or alcohol use
Chronic running away
Increase in physical complaints (miscellaneous illnesses)
Inappropriate attention-getting behavior
Suicide attempts
Self inflicted physical abuse (self-mutilation)
Poor self-esteem
Problems in school (missing class, grades)
Prostitution
1 in 4 girls is sexually abused before the age of 18.
1 in 6 boys is sexually abused before the age of 18.
1 in 5 children are solicited sexually while on the Internet.
Nearly 70% of all reported sexual assaults (including assaults on adults) occur to children ages 17 and under.
Most children don’t tell even if they have been asked
Sexually abused children who keep it a secret or who “tell” and are not believed are at greater risk than the general population for psychological, emotional, social, and physical problems often lasting into adulthood.

A Healing Purpose (part 2)

Anyone who has been abused, whether physically, emotionally, or sexually probably knows, they are not the person they would have been without the abuse. I am sure people have heard that for years, but how could they possibly understand it, if they had not walked in a victims (a word I hate by the way) shoes. If you can’t trust those closest to you, and those who are supposed to love you, how would you be able to trust anyone.

Since I have had the unpleasantness of experiencing all three of those abusive situations it has had a drastic effect on my life in so many ways.

*Consequences of child sexual abuse begin affecting children and families immediately. They also affect society in innumerable and negative ways. These effects can continue throughout the life of the survivor so the impact on society for just one survivor continues over multiple decades. Try to imagine the impact of 39 million survivors.*

I learned to stuff the anger as deep as it would go. I learned to hide the fear and to doubt my own being. I had guilt, although I never had a reason in this world to have guilt over any abusive situation. Emotions and feelings get so mixed up in your mind that sometimes you just are not sure what you are feeling. All the while, life went on in what seemed like a normal way. At least it did for outsiders, and everyone I knew was an outsider to my inner feelings. Holding on to all those emotions over time creates a mixed up, confused person.

*Post-traumatic stress disorder*

I did risky things, which were abnormal for the shy, kind person I was. I think at one time, I would have done anything as a teenager if someone had egged me on.

*Excessive anger or reckless behavior*

Finally at the age of 14 I told my parents (but nobody else until I was much older) what was happening to me and what had happened for many years. It had begun to escalate and the fear became unbearable. It was stopped at that juncture. But even though it was stopped, another sad thing happened. I lost my parents. Not to death, not to anything violent. Only to shame and regret. After all those years of hurting, this pain was worse. I felt ignored and vilified. Although by their mouth, they never said it was my fault, but by their actions it felt like it.

*Less emotional support from friends and family*

The shame I felt was overwhelming. When you are 14 you are so vulnerable. I had some good friends, thankfully, although they never knew the circumstance in my house, they went to great lengths to make me happy and to help me fit in, although I never felt like I did.

Trust was gone from my life forever. I still sometimes deal with that issue. I told a Minster once, that I don’t trust anyone 100%, not even God. He said, “What can we do about that” and I laughed and said *we* can do nothing.

*Distrust of others*

For me the strangest thing about trust was I wanted to trust so badly I would let people into my life that never were capable of being trusted. The older I got, the easier it became to walk away. I don’t make friends easily.

The fact is, the effects of molestation, never go away.

A Healing Purpose

The older I get the more I seem to reassess my life. I wonder if everybody does that as they age. The wish I had dones and the wish I hadn’t dones.

As anyone knows if they have read any of my writings I was abused and molested when I was young. For many years afterward it was only known in my heart. And of course by the abusers.

It was mentioned to me awhile back that I should write a book, which will never happen by the way, but when I said that, it was mentioned later that maybe I could help people who had been abused or molested if I talked about it. I had to think on it awhile, especially since I already seem to have a lot on my plate at this time, but the more I thought about it, I thought why not? If I could help one person who is hurting, then I should do it, if at all possible.

An estimated 39 million survivors of childhood sexual abuse exist in America today.

I am trying to remember the exact time I actually told somebody about my past abuse. It was in my late 30’s or early 40’s, I believe. That hurt was carried around for many years, just holding on to it. Once in a while it would rear it’s ugly head, but for the most part, the demons were under control.

I plan to write about the emotions and feelings involved, not get graphic with details that do not need to be mentioned. Over the years I have read a lot on the subject and educated myself as time has progressed. I also plan on writing in stages, not all at once. That is the best for me and surely the best for Wonderings.

I hope you will read and take in the statistics I post. They are almost hard to believe. Maybe cause back when I was young, it was not talked about. It was a dirty secret. For both the victims and perpetrators. Nowadays people like myself are speaking up about abuse that occurred years and years ago.

Over 30% of victims never disclose the experience to ANYONE.

I forgave my perpetrators after I began to believe the things I heard in Church. That God forgives and if he can forgive surely we can do the same. So over a period of time the hardness in my heart began to give way to the softness of my nature. I put as much of all those thoughts as far behind me as I could. Then a couple of years ago, those feelings and emotions began to creep into my heart again. That is the reason I decided to acquiesce and write about it all. The Lord must be putting this on my heart for a reason and maybe it was to help another.

Hopefully the next chapter will be sooner than later.

Come to Jesus Meeting

Every once in a while I need to have a Come To Jesus Meeting with myself. You know those days when you want to snatch someone baldheaded. Or say mean and hurtful things that you really don’t mean, but in that moment you just want to try and make them understand how you are feeling.

That phrase, Come To Jesus Meeting is a perfect way to do the right thing instead of the wrong thing, at least it happens that way for me. When the thoughts of saying those mean things happen, that phrase goes through my mind and I take it the right way, not the wrong way. I have a meeting with my Savior. I am reminded how important it is to show my Christianity during those times. To show not only my forgiveness but also my love and understanding. I also know if not for Him I would be lost in this crazy, chaotic world.

Calgon Take Me Away

That phrase surely dates me, which is OK, because I am dated. Old I mean. That phrase just popped into my head this morning as I was reading other blogs and thinking about the spiritual journey my life has taken.

It has taken me from a molested childhood, to multiple marriages, to almost every kind of abuse your mind can imagine over the years, to put me in the arms of the one and only God.

Although I couldn’t see God’s hands on me over the years as I traveled the experiences of my life, I can look back and see He was always there. If not, I wouldn’t be here today. With problems, troubles, heartbreak, bearing down on me, He always made a path that eventually made me safe.

As I am writing this, my mind is going here and there per usual, and I am also thinking of Footprints in the Sand and how my footprints weren’t visible. I will be eternally grateful that He carried me.

Changing

The first time I went to a divorce lawyer and voiced my uncertainty that I wanted a divorce the lawyer said something that has stuck with me since then. The lawyer said that people don’t normally change. That the only thing that might make them change was a happening or event in their life that made them realize a change was necessary.

I went to the lawyer because my husband was cheating on me. Again. He had begun cheating on me only a few months after we were married.

At the five year point in our marriage it had happened again. I could not stay married to him and raise our daughter in that atmosphere. She was three years old and already knew things were not right.

The lawyer gave an example of what he meant by circumstances changing a person. He said if a mother didn’t watch her children while they were playing outside and one of them was hit by a car and seriously injured maybe she would be more watchful from that time on. It made sense to me.

After my husband begged me to return and try again, I did so. But eventually we did split up. But not until after we had purchased a home and had another child. He was cheating, but this time had fallen in love with the woman.

So I have always remembered what that lawyer told me. Change is possible, but usually not till a person had undergone a transformation from the old to the new.