*(untitled)*

Caught a glimpse.
Oh, God,
everyone wants to.

We could sneak
right in there.
An escape?
Its not gonna be that way.

The Three Wise Women

The story of Jesus and the three wise men is a very well known story. At Christmas time especially we hear about them. But I want to write about my three wise women.

They belong to the church where I became a member and fellow Christian. These beautiful women have attended our church for many years. All three are in their seventh or eighth decade of life but I would never call them old because their spirits are still so young. They are what some would call pillars of the community/church and are the most giving and loving women I have ever met.

A year or so ago God called me to lead a morning Disciple class with them. It wasn’t always easy for any of us doing a class that required 34 weeks of intense study. But we did it and from what I experienced we did it well. Not only did I learn more about the bible and scripture but I learned much more from them and always our discussions were interesting.

Those 34 weeks gave me the opportunity to get to know and love those three women more than words can express. Their life experiences and their knowledge were a real gift to me.
Each are different one from the other, although what they have in common is their spirituality, love of God, love of others and the church.

I have been so blessed to have grown close to them. Their wisdom and life experiences have shown me that growing older can really be done with both beauty and grace.

Tweety Bird

I have said before that I believe God reveals himself to us. If we just pay attention, we can see and hear him in so many ways. In fact, almost every sight and sound comes from Him.

Some mornings if I am in my bedroom for a while, I hear this lovely sound of a bird that sings to me. I have no idea how big it is or what kind of bird it is, but I enjoy the sound so very much. On days I am blessed to hear the tweety bird it is another sign to me that God is here with me as I start another day.

We have the most magnificent sunsets in the world, here on the farm. Sometimes they are pink, yellow or orange, other times they are so red it looks like the sky is on fire. At night when the weather is warm we sometimes go out to see the moon and stars. It is so peaceful late at night to see all that God has created.

We are also blessed with animals which sometimes come to visit the field in front of our home. Sometimes deer, sometimes turkeys. In fact the turkeys have been very prevalent this year and we have counted as many as 34 at one time.

Every season brings something beautiful for us to see and hear. It won’t be long till the hummingbirds will be visiting the feeders I put out for them. Once in a while they come within a hands length away.

Nobody could ever make me believe that all of that is not a gift from God.

Oh Baby

The newest has arrived and taken her place in our home and in our hearts. She is now 5 days old.

All babies are beautiful, but as a Grandmother I have the right and truly the duty to say, all my grandbabies have been beautiful.

Born on Friday morning, home on Sunday our latest and probably our last, has been relatively quiet, only making a bit of a fuss because of hunger or dirty diapers. She is not a cryer, but more of a squeaker. The dog is already being her protector, although she is a bit jealous, she is very watchful of who is close to her.

Our family has been blessed by children who for the most part have been healthy. Although one grandchild has had a couple of broken bones due to daredevil stunts and another who gave us a few scary days when he ended up in the hospital with Rocky Mounted Spotted fever and has asthma which can slow him down once in a while. Otherwise they are all well and ornery. I blame that on their Grandpa, since he has been ornery since the day we met.

The here and now

After writing about abuse and molestation I feel the need to mention that although I still have some scars from it all, I truly feel blessed in the here and now.

Being grateful and blessed to have had the experiences I have had. Of course some were not nice or pretty, but then again, doesn’t everyone have ugly and awful things they have experienced. My take on it all is we go through what we are meant to go through.

My belief is that God is telling us something and we sometimes need to figure out what it is. All our lives were laid out by God before we were ever born. What purpose do bad things or good things give us? Hopefully it is insight, love of others, and knowing we are here on this earth to help and give to those in need.

I am in no way near where I would like to be, but I keep trying. I still can’t seem to get close to some people. I grew really independent over the years and part of that independence is distancing myself from people I don’t care for. I hate nobody. That is not in my nature anymore, but I try and not subject myself to those who drive me crazy. My family is crazy enough that I really don’t need outside craziness too.

A Healing purpose The end.

I probably could write forever on how the abuse has ruled my life. From childhood, into high school, through three marriages, two children, grandchildren and just plain living my life. But I never truly wanted this to be about me. I want it to be about abuse and what it does to a person and how it never ever really goes away.

But in some ways it has to be about me. To explain to those who have no idea. And to those who have suffered because of it, to tell you, you are not alone. Most of us learn to deal with it in whatever way we can. For me it has been a variety of ways over the years. When I was younger it was Alcohol. Drugs. Promiscuity. And oh yea, Anger. I have embarrassed not only myself but others when I have exploded. I have a tendency to isolate, when I am feeling overwhelmed at any time for any reason. At one time I was worried I was agoraphobic because I didn’t want to leave the house. One day I want to chatter away, another I just want to be left alone. Whether those emotions and feelings are normal behaviors or because of abuse I really have no idea. I know I have made many many mistakes because of the abuse. I have hurt others because of it. Things I can never take back.

Some people hide their abuse forever. Others write books and give speeches.

And most important of all, I am no judge of how anyone handles their pain. I have included some statistics about abuse and will end this last post with more.

I have to say, what saved me was faith. No person could help me get to the place I am now. It had to be God. My wish is that anyone who has been abused, finds someone to talk to, when they are ready. Professional or otherwise. Church is a good place to start. Try and find a welcoming church with kind and loving people. Some people need baby-steps, others need a big huge leap. Whatever will work for you. Please do it.

More statistics:

Changes in behavior at school or at home. (withdrawal, inattentiveness, or other unusual behavior)
Sleep disturbances (insomnia, bed wetting, nightmares)
Unexplained and sudden fears
Loss of appetite
Excessive anger or reckless behavior
A new reluctance to spend time with certain people
A need for more reassurance than usual
Overwhelming knowledge of sexual behavior
Isolation from friends, limited participation in social activities
Depression
Drug or alcohol use
Chronic running away
Increase in physical complaints (miscellaneous illnesses)
Inappropriate attention-getting behavior
Suicide attempts
Self inflicted physical abuse (self-mutilation)
Poor self-esteem
Problems in school (missing class, grades)
Prostitution
1 in 4 girls is sexually abused before the age of 18.
1 in 6 boys is sexually abused before the age of 18.
1 in 5 children are solicited sexually while on the Internet.
Nearly 70% of all reported sexual assaults (including assaults on adults) occur to children ages 17 and under.
Most children don’t tell even if they have been asked
Sexually abused children who keep it a secret or who “tell” and are not believed are at greater risk than the general population for psychological, emotional, social, and physical problems often lasting into adulthood.

A Healing Purpose (part 2)

Anyone who has been abused, whether physically, emotionally, or sexually probably knows, they are not the person they would have been without the abuse. I am sure people have heard that for years, but how could they possibly understand it, if they had not walked in a victims (a word I hate by the way) shoes. If you can’t trust those closest to you, and those who are supposed to love you, how would you be able to trust anyone.

Since I have had the unpleasantness of experiencing all three of those abusive situations it has had a drastic effect on my life in so many ways.

*Consequences of child sexual abuse begin affecting children and families immediately. They also affect society in innumerable and negative ways. These effects can continue throughout the life of the survivor so the impact on society for just one survivor continues over multiple decades. Try to imagine the impact of 39 million survivors.*

I learned to stuff the anger as deep as it would go. I learned to hide the fear and to doubt my own being. I had guilt, although I never had a reason in this world to have guilt over any abusive situation. Emotions and feelings get so mixed up in your mind that sometimes you just are not sure what you are feeling. All the while, life went on in what seemed like a normal way. At least it did for outsiders, and everyone I knew was an outsider to my inner feelings. Holding on to all those emotions over time creates a mixed up, confused person.

*Post-traumatic stress disorder*

I did risky things, which were abnormal for the shy, kind person I was. I think at one time, I would have done anything as a teenager if someone had egged me on.

*Excessive anger or reckless behavior*

Finally at the age of 14 I told my parents (but nobody else until I was much older) what was happening to me and what had happened for many years. It had begun to escalate and the fear became unbearable. It was stopped at that juncture. But even though it was stopped, another sad thing happened. I lost my parents. Not to death, not to anything violent. Only to shame and regret. After all those years of hurting, this pain was worse. I felt ignored and vilified. Although by their mouth, they never said it was my fault, but by their actions it felt like it.

*Less emotional support from friends and family*

The shame I felt was overwhelming. When you are 14 you are so vulnerable. I had some good friends, thankfully, although they never knew the circumstance in my house, they went to great lengths to make me happy and to help me fit in, although I never felt like I did.

Trust was gone from my life forever. I still sometimes deal with that issue. I told a Minster once, that I don’t trust anyone 100%, not even God. He said, “What can we do about that” and I laughed and said *we* can do nothing.

*Distrust of others*

For me the strangest thing about trust was I wanted to trust so badly I would let people into my life that never were capable of being trusted. The older I got, the easier it became to walk away. I don’t make friends easily.

The fact is, the effects of molestation, never go away.

*from my prayer book*

“Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil.  For if they fall, one will lift up the other.”                                                                                                             ~Ecclesiastes 4:9-19

“The wires are holding hands around the holes:

To avoid breaking the ring, they hold tight the

neighbouring wrist,

And it’s thus that with holes they make a fence.

Lord, there are lots of holes in my life.

There are some in the lives of my neighbours.

But if you wish we shall hold hands

We shall hold very tight

And together we shall make a roll of fence to adorn

Paradise.”

~Michel Quoist, “The Wire Fence”

“God’s gift of community is a beautiful and purposeful design of interdependence – of helping and being helped.  Since it is a gift; however, community will never happen unless we first reach out to receive it.”

~Peace~

Vicki

*untitled*

I’m reading a book called, Jesus Mean and Wild.

A Healing Purpose

The older I get the more I seem to reassess my life. I wonder if everybody does that as they age. The wish I had dones and the wish I hadn’t dones.

As anyone knows if they have read any of my writings I was abused and molested when I was young. For many years afterward it was only known in my heart. And of course by the abusers.

It was mentioned to me awhile back that I should write a book, which will never happen by the way, but when I said that, it was mentioned later that maybe I could help people who had been abused or molested if I talked about it. I had to think on it awhile, especially since I already seem to have a lot on my plate at this time, but the more I thought about it, I thought why not? If I could help one person who is hurting, then I should do it, if at all possible.

An estimated 39 million survivors of childhood sexual abuse exist in America today.

I am trying to remember the exact time I actually told somebody about my past abuse. It was in my late 30’s or early 40’s, I believe. That hurt was carried around for many years, just holding on to it. Once in a while it would rear it’s ugly head, but for the most part, the demons were under control.

I plan to write about the emotions and feelings involved, not get graphic with details that do not need to be mentioned. Over the years I have read a lot on the subject and educated myself as time has progressed. I also plan on writing in stages, not all at once. That is the best for me and surely the best for Wonderings.

I hope you will read and take in the statistics I post. They are almost hard to believe. Maybe cause back when I was young, it was not talked about. It was a dirty secret. For both the victims and perpetrators. Nowadays people like myself are speaking up about abuse that occurred years and years ago.

Over 30% of victims never disclose the experience to ANYONE.

I forgave my perpetrators after I began to believe the things I heard in Church. That God forgives and if he can forgive surely we can do the same. So over a period of time the hardness in my heart began to give way to the softness of my nature. I put as much of all those thoughts as far behind me as I could. Then a couple of years ago, those feelings and emotions began to creep into my heart again. That is the reason I decided to acquiesce and write about it all. The Lord must be putting this on my heart for a reason and maybe it was to help another.

Hopefully the next chapter will be sooner than later.